Love, Desire, and Intimacy

Eight Overlapping Definitions Of Sexuality

(1) vehicle for pleasure, attachment, self-discovery

(2) multidimensional experience of the self involving identity and genital function

(3) resource requiring management

(4) intimate behaviors and their private meanings

(5) running private dialogue within the self about our attractions

(6) repair mechanism for past difficult relationships and events

(7) psychobiological energy force

(8) vantage point from which to study mental processes

Different Perspectives on Sexuality

All human sexual behaviors are influenced by biological, interpersonal, psychological, and cultural factors

therefore there is inherent complexity; no field has the last word on the subject (religion, arts, psychiatry, law, medicine, gov’t)

(1) Psychiatric - love/intimacy, stage in lifecycle, mental health; primarily interested in disorders

gender identity disorders
sexual dysfunctions (pyschogenic, drug-induced (psychotropic medications, other medications), aging; organic illness, surgery, radiation)
sexual pain disorders
paraphilias

(2) Medical - physical health, physiologic mechanisms, pharmacologic, surgical

contraception
sexually transmitted diseases including AIDS
erectile dysfunction
reversible organic dysfunction(endocrinologic/pharmacologic)

(3) Sociologic - religion, ethnicity, evolving gender roles, deviance; the public is interested in:

evolving gender roles
psychology of sex
cause of homosexuality
new medical treatments
sex crimes
sex education in schools
abortion

(4) Legal - criminality, regulation of behavior (civil law)

Stages In The Lifecycle

unfolding of sexual component characteristics (i.e., cannot ejaculate, cannot achieve orgasm, ejaculate too soon)

establishment of the couple’s sexual equilibrium (i.e., its not the characteristics (premature ejaculation) themselves, but the way in which they are perceived by the partner (he must find me very attractive))

challenges of anger/intimacy/fatigue (management of all three - especially in 30’s and 40’s)

sexual decline of the 50’s (no longer enjoy groping because the body doesn’t feel the same after menopause; rule of 20 min of foreplay no longer applies; turn to more efficient sex)

older age declines (difficulty maintaining an erection)

era of illness

Universal Components Of Sexuality

each component has subjective and behavioral aspects

sexual identity - gender identity, orientation, intention Þ homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual

sexual function - desire, arousal, orgasm, emotional satisfaction

3 Components of Sexual Desire

(1) drive - highest in youth, moderate in mid-life, weak in older age (physical thing)

(2) motive - highly variable depending on circumstances (what brings your partner to have sex with you - going to track and losing your money or going to track and winning the trifecta) - (emotional thing)

(3) wish - maximized when culture says it is acceptable (cognitive thing - depends on what your culture says is acceptable; if religion disapproves then you do not wish to have sex)

Arousal And Orgasmic Capacities:

arousal - maximizum in youth and young adulthood; counterbalanced by social standards/values; subjectively may decline in 50’s; more decline with advanced age

orgasmic capacity - maximum in male youth and young adult women; evolution of rapid ejaculation; less efficient as people age; anorgasmia

Sexuality As A Developmental Line:

managing sexual self healthily - civilized; self-regulating through masturbation, partnership, and sublimation; relationship building

sexual problems ("developmental failures") - aggressive crimes; lack of personal self-regulation or control; dysfunctions; commitment or abiding difficulties

Love

Conventional Expectations

falling in love
reattainment of psychological intimacy
resolution of conflict
maintenance of sexual interest in partner until older age

Dimensions of Relationship Harmony * opposite characteristics are often found in unhappy relationships *

mutual respect
behavioral reliability
enjoyment of the other
sexual fidelity
psychological intimacy
sexual pleasure
comfortable balance between individuality and couplehood

Falling In Love

recognition of goodness of fit
defenses
solves social/psychological problems
act of imagination

The Lofty Purposes Of Staying In Love - partners are chosen in the tacit hope that they will accompany, assist, emotionally stabilize and enrich us as we evolve, mature, and cope with life’s numerous demands

significant consequences typically follow disrupting the bond - emotional, physical, relational, economic